HoboMeth

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Apparently, there is an "I" in "I don't give a f..."

Eyes on the prize

Today, I was taking a really big test in a class that I was failing. It was worth at least 7 grades so I studied my butt off. During the test, a girl with huge breasts sat down next to me and I couldn't stop staring. My test got confiscated because they thought I was cheating. FML

17 Photos That Prove That Men Are Really Just Big Babies

FML for the girlfriends and wives of these big dopes. Though, they're sometimes good for a laugh.

Let down

Today, after weeks of agonising, I told my best friend (who I am madly in love with) that I loved her. She said, "Me too, you're like a brother and a best girlfriend rolled into one!" FML

Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I'm of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

Today, my dog found my marijuana pipe and the bag it was in and brought it to my parents. FML

Collector's items

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled, "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

Straight to jail

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML

1, 2, 3… FIRE!

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML

Encouragement

Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said, "Yeah, horizontally." FML

Twins

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

Today, I got into a fight with a lawn chair. It won. FML

Today, I turned 21 and had a huge party because I could finally drink legally. Got arrested for public intoxication. FML

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

Not again!

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying, "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

Today, I overheard my parents arguing over who had to tell me that I'm adopted. FML

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML