epeeftw

Today, some alarm, somewhere in my house, is making a low battery noise. I've checked every smoke detector multiple times, and I can't find it. It has been hours. I'm not sure if its still doing it or if the sound has just invaded my brain. FML

Today, I let my dog outside to play. He shat on three cars, played dead in the middle of the street, and chased my neighbors' cat into a pool. When he came back into the house, he had a note taped to his back saying "IOU 1 lawsuit". FML

Lost in translation

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

Today, the only thing that kept me hard during sex with my wife was thinking about my own naked body. FML