Madame 27 ans En couple
Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML
Today, I was standing on the balcony I share with the neighboring apartment. My morbidly obese neighbor didn't know I was there, and walked out with her breasts exposed. Her boyfriend then walked out and struck up a conversation with me about the fine weather we're having. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML
Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, a customer got an additional discount, so his total came to $61. He said, "It says they're 3 for $66!” I tried to explain the discount, saying it’s cheaper, but he still insisted on paying $66. I couldn’t modify the price at my end. He left without buying anything. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML
Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. FML
Today, while as a therapist, a client made an audible fart and pointed out that she had done so. Shortly after, she wrinkled her nose as she savored the odor. She began to discuss her significant trauma issues. Before I could respond, her fart wafted over to me, making any mature response pointless. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he finished before me. I thought that he was going to try and get hard again so we could continue. Unfortunately, he turned to me and said to me, "Don't worry, I'll re-spawn in a few minutes." I lost it completely. FML
Today, while on the train with my dad, my boyfriend sent me a message. It was a nude, and when I looked, my dad saw. FML
Today, my mom caught me absentmindedly staring at my puppy's butthole. She'd also been standing there for 5 minutes. FML
Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML
Today I sat down with my morning coffee and sneezed, it's my heavy period day so I've ruined my undies and new pj pants, stained a chair traumatized my children from the blood and burnt myself from the spilt coffee. FML
Went to tell my husband I’m horny forgot my message open was to my FIL. Sent it to him by accident.. He sent back a message saying I don’t think I can help you try asking my son. FML
Today, I brought weed edibles home made with my favourite sweet. To hide them, I hid them in a packet of normal sweets I kept in my room. My mom wandered into my room, took a handful and doesn't understand what's going on.... Fml.
Today, I told my supervisor I wouldn’t be able to go to work because my mother passed on. He told me to man the fuck up and arrive by 8am. I ended up going only to have this asshole to fire me. Why? Making up unbelievable excuses. Guess the paperwork or my tear-filled face wasn’t proof enough. FML
Today, I wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies. As the first load was done, I tasted a cookie and it tasted too salty. Thinking it was because of the pinch of salt, I added more sugar to the batter, only to realize that the sugar I've put into the whole batter was actually salt. FML
Today, my mom and my girlfriend's mom forced us to break up. The reason? My mom and her mom fell in love and are dating each other. My mom is already calling my ex-girlfriend my sister-in-law. FML
Today I was being kinky for my boyfriend by going commando at his Xmas party. Trust me to get my period 10 days early in a WHITE skirt, then as I rushed to the toilet I fell and the seam split right up my ass, so his family including 3 nephews got an uncensored look at the whole mess FML
Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML
Today I got home from work and kissed my wife on the cheek like I have done almost everyday for the last 14 years, only this time she screamed and hit me in the face with a pan of hot water and carrots. Apparently this time I scared her and she thought I was a burglar rapist. FML
Today, my kids excitedly woke me up at 2 AM saying they saw Santa Claus. I’m the only adult in the house, and I got up to find a man dressed as Santa Claus trying to steal our TV. FML
Today during sex my boyfriend aimed an inch higher, rammed it into my ass. I jumped, he said "we've just done it froggy style".FML
Today, I was looking at my daughter’s search history and saw results such as “how to drown someone,” “death from drowning,” “stages of drowning,” and “how long to die from asphyxiation.” I’ve raised a psychopath. FML
Today, while I was half asleep, I grabbed my dick and started to pee while I was in bed. FML
Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML
tonight after deciding to cook my wife a romantic indian dinner, she decided to reward me with some 69 action, the farts coming from this woman made me throw up my dinner all over her legs.. happy anniversary I guess
Today, my dog of 10 years died suddenly. My husband’s response? “At least you don’t have to buy dog food anymore." FML
Today, I had to move down to the third floor because after complaining about rats on my rooftop the landlord put down traps. The rats died. Flies came. The flies laid eggs. The eggs birthed maggots. The maggots rained down from my broken ceiling into my bed and all over my floor. I'm not okay. FML
Today, it was the first time my husband came since getting a vasectomy. Not a big deal, except he didn't tell me that it’s common for men to pass out the first time they cum after the surgery. I thought my husband died from cumming for a solid minute. FML
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