Mademoiselle 30 ans Célibataire
Today, I was coaching a little league soccer game. I was telling one of my players to go cover another kid. I said "go cover the little yellow kid!" because he happened to be wearing a yellow shirt. He also happened to be Asian. I then got death stares from his family members. FML
Today, at work, I brewed myself a fresh cup of coffee. I set the hot coffee onto my desk. My phone rang so I answered my coffee, spilling it all over my face and body. FML
Today, I shat a magnet. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML
Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a dog run across the road. Feeling sorry for the pup on a cold, rainy night, I pulled my car over to pick it up. Once in, it started freaking out so I turned on the light. It was then that I realized I'd just put a wild coyote on my passenger seat. FML
Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML
Today, I was walking when I saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realized a kid was laying them out in a trail. I'd collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML
Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML
Today, my nineteen year-old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said, "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML
Today, I was at Sea World and was about to take a picture of the big walrus. I noticed my phone was still set to use the front camera, and I muttered "Oops, selfie mode." A guy next to me turned, looked at me, and said "Not like there's a difference for you." FML
Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat, and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML
Today, my little sister started freaking out, because she was playing with some white-out eraser and got some on her finger. She started crying inconsolably because she thought her entire finger was going to disappear. FML
Today, I got in a minor car accident because my mom had to check how many likes her last photo on Instagram had while driving. FML
Today, I asked my 8-year-old daughter to kill a house spider for me. I am a 42-year-old man. FML
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