Kholonie

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop and a guy stops in front of me and says "Oh very nice. How much?" I reply "You couldn't afford me." An old guy sitting next to me says "I bet I could" and puts his hand on my leg. I forfeited the bus and walked home in the rain. FML

React content

Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

Today, I was texting the girl I am in love with. I was dropping hints about liking someone who I didn't know if they liked me back. Flirting a little. And just when I thought she'd say she liked me too, she said "Don't worry, if you were straight, I would definitely date you!". FML

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

Let me out!

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

Drilled

Today, there was a fire drill at my school. I was in the bathroom taking a dump, and if that wasn't bad enough, I got suspended for two days for 'improper procedure during a fire drill'. I didn't know you could get suspended for taking a dump. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. FML

Today, I had some girlfriends over, while my parents were having a party at our house. My drunken dad decided to come down to the basement and show us all his third nipple. FML

Costume parties are the worst

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

So generous

Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML

Nasty

Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

Nuts

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Not only did he last just 2 minutes, he also sat there for a while afterwards, smacking his semi-erect penis in awe and saying, "Look, it's still hard! How crazy is that?!" FML

Today, I realized that my fiancé only touches me when he wants to have sex. Any other contact is purely accidental. FML

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

Today, I was complaining to my husband about a busty but vapid celebrity, and he replied, "She doesn't need brains, honey, she has boobs. You wouldn't understand." FML

Today, a coworker at school yelled at one of our students to be quiet. The kid got pretty upset, so I went to comfort him. He held my hand for the rest of the class, telling me in vivid detail how he was going to kill my coworker. Now I'm afraid to look at him. FML

So frustrating!

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

Angry Bird

Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML

Today, my 7 year old daughter explained to a taxi driver that she was born from my "vagina that doesn't have hair". He winked creepily at me and said, "I bet it doesn't." FML

Today, my girlfriend wants to make a video of us having sex for us to watch later and figure out how to improve our skills in bed. The problem is her choice of cameraman: her uncle. FML

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

MY EYES

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML