cassidymg

Today, my girlfriend and I made love. She stared at her One Direction poster the whole time. FML

Banger

Today, my 12-year-old sister watched Frozen. She's spent the last two hours playing the song Let It Go on high volume, over and over, and in different languages. I now have a skull-splitting headache, and my dad just sarcastically told me to "let it go." FML

Today, I lied to the cashier at my local store, saying that I was "nominated to buy the candy for the party" when in actuality I went home and gorged on it alone. FML

You're welcome

Today, I decided to face one of my fears. I've never had a birthday party, out of fear that nobody would come. I sent out a mass text inviting people out for my birthday, trying to sound casual. The only replies I received were along the lines of, "Who the hell is this?" FML

Split second

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML

Today, I am so shy and friendless that my mother is literally setting up a play-date with one of her friend's daughters. I'm 25 years-old and this is my best chance at making a friend. FML

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer blatantly farted as I sat down, then she sneered, "Making yourself comfortable, I see..." FML

Today, my wife's boyfriend learned that you can't flush condoms. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

Today, somebody poured a cup of coffee down the back of my shirt. When I turned around, I saw a man who said, "You looked like my ex from behind!" and ran off. FML

Today, my date dropped me off at home and briefly met my parents. As he was leaving he whispered into my ear, "I want to feel the inside of your vagina with the outside of my penis." My parents totally heard. FML

Perfect day

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed, then we went out shopping, had a picnic, watched a good romcom, had a fancy dinner, and ended the day with great sex. And when the clock struck twelve, he dumped me. FML

Today, my friend told me she wanted to get pregnant. I thought that was good news, but then she said she wanted my boyfriend to be the father of her baby. FML

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

Suspicion

Today, I decided to go all-natural and go to work without any makeup on. My boss swore I was on drugs, which I guess had absolutely nothing to do with the completely "random" drug test I had to take later in the day. FML

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

Today, I ordered Chinese and told them I was allergic to eggs. I took a bite and I found some egg, quickly spat it out and took my antihistamines. When I returned with it and complained about my potential demise, they gave me a free orange to apologise. I'm allergic to oranges. FML

Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML

Baseless

Today, my fiancé and his family accused me of being with him only because he's rich, refusing to go ahead with the wedding. I accepted his marriage proposal 4 years ago, when he was penniless and unemployed. FML

Cheers

Today, my mom sent me a picture of a blank piece of paper, saying it was a drawing of all the people who wanted to date me. FML

Today, my long-term boyfriend said that if we ever finally get married, his ex-girlfriend will definitely have to be a bridesmaid. FML

Today, my mom and I made the bad decision to go hiking for some mother-daughter bonding even though we had little experience. My mother tumbled down a mountain named Tumbledown and I couldn't even enjoy the irony because I had to half carry her all the way back to the car. FML

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML

Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML

Today, I found out that, given the correct velocity, a used condom can actually fly through a tiny window and slap you on the leg. I also found out that when you go to the window to yell at the perpetrator, they might have more ammunition. FML

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

Today, I realized that my new haircut makes me look like a movie star. Not Scarlett Johansson, no. I look like Lord Farquaad. FML

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML