Mademoiselle Célibataire
Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML
Today, I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML
Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML
Today, my boyfriend took me out to meet his friends. It was going really well until I left to use the bathroom and two of the girls with us came in and started talking about how creepy Matt's new girlfriend is and that they're happy he's going to dump her. My boyfriend is Matt. FML
Today, I woke up, patted my dog and kissed his nose. He was dead. FML
Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML
Today, my dog died and I told my grandfather I wanted her to be cremated. I came home later to find him burning her in our barbecue pit. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML
Today, I did the "walk of shame" sixteen blocks. It wouldn't have been so bad if the sidewalks and streets weren't completely covered in ice. Somewhere along the way I lost what little dignity I had left, along with my left shoe. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML
Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML
Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML
Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML
Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words, "Lisa, will you…" then abruptly shat my pants. FML
Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML
Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML
Today, after my shower, I went to clear off my fogged-up mirror. Doing so, I noticed a handprint on it. I compared it to my hand, but it was much too small. I live alone. FML
Today, my neighbor's five-year-old rode his tricycle into a history diorama I had spent days slaving over. When I confronted him, he just said, "Vroom vroom muthafucka." FML
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