Mynamewontfi

Today, I finally broke my two-year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. Twenty minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

Surprise!

Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. Then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him, giving me the evil eye. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

Today, I woke up by inhaling a fly up my nose, and feeling it twitching and slowly dying inside my nasal cavity. FML

Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I'm of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML

Today, I went to the doctor to have my annual check-up. After the doctor made me waddle across the room towards him, hop on one foot for thirty seconds, and then lay on my stomach and do the worm, he finally said, "OK, that wasn't really part of the check-up. You're large on the hips. Lay off the Cheetos." FML

No kinkshaming on FML

Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

Today, I watched a little girl laugh while giving bread to some pigeons at a bus stop. A bus then arrived. All the pigeons moved out of the away, except one. Its head got crushed by a wheel, and some blood splattered onto the little girl's shoes, who then screamed. With laughter. FML

Angry Bird

Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML

Today, I took my cat to the vet's. When the vet took her temperature anally, I couldn't stop laughing. The vet had to ask me to leave the room. FML

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

Customers from hell

Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

Today, a friend posted a photo on Facebook of a meal with all of our other friends. The same meal they'd told me just yesterday had been cancelled. FML

Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML

Today, I hooked up with this man for the first time. He takes his shirt off and has a chestful of black hair. He had his name shaved into it. FML

Obvious

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow, I said, "That's funny, I don't play tennis." He then asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no, he said, "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

Today, I bought a coral colored hooded sweatshirt, which my girlfriend told me was "hot". I wore it to a baseball game tonight. When it got cold I put the hood over my head, only to hear everyone behind me laugh. The back of the hood said "Boy crazy". It was a teen girls sweatshirt. FML

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year-old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML