KingSkye

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

Today, several coworkers think the operation scar on my wrist is really a failed suicide attempt, because I study design and apparently, "Artists are suicidal, right?" FML

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

Today, my brother hugged me for the first time. Turns out he was patting me down to make sure I didn't have cigarettes. Love you too, bro. FML

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

Put those away

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

Awkward much?

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with, "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML

Back in fashion (Oppenheimer dolls not so much)

Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

Tell me now!

Today, I realized that my two year-old likes to help with the groceries. And by help, I mean hide a bag of chicken. It's been two weeks since I went grocery shopping and I still can't find it, but it smells like something died in my house. FML

Well played

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML