Novasonic

Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

Today, when I woke up, my husband was already up. Thinking I'd heard him in the hall, I yelled out, "Come on, don't be shy, bring your dick back in here right now!" A voice then replied, "He's gone out to get some bread." It was my mother-in-law. FML

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

Today, my boyfriend came round to drop off some underwear, which I'd left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML

Make the most of it

Today, I received a text message from my girlfriend, saying, "Do you remember the last time we slept together?" I replied straight away, "Of course, it was great!" To which she replies, "I hope you made the most of it, because it was the last time." FML

Today, my mother told me: "If you didn't exist, I wouldn't stay with your father". So it's MY fault if she's having problems with him? FML

Today, I took a dump at work. When I went to flush the toilet, it clogged and began to overflow. I left the bathroom as it was and as I walked out, my boss came in. FML

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML

Today, my mom just handed me a book called "100 Ways To Motivate Yourself." FML

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML

Today, I moved back home because I got laid off and could no longer afford my apartment. I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I overheard my Mom telling my Aunt that she used to be so proud of me and wonders when I became such a loser. Burn. FML

First!

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

Today, at the urinal a guy came up next to me to do his business. He stared over at me, looked down, laughed and then left. FML

Harshing my buzz

Today, I was talking to my friend about my life when she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad. FML

Check before crossing

Today, my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex from high school could join in with us and we could have an amazing threesome. As a horny dude, how could I say no? Turns out Alex is also a guy's name. FML

Today, my boss caught me playing games on the computer for 4 hours. My boss told me to feel free and continue, but to pack my stuff up and leave when I was done. FML

Sorry sweaty

Today, I discovered a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods in my house. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer, except me. FML

Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me. FML

Today, I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML

Fireworks

Today, I learned that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

Quit it

Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML

Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilletos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML

XXXL

Today, when I tried on a pair of pants at the mall, I asked the salesperson if I could have the next size up. She informed me that there wasn't a next size up. I have to LOSE weight to fit into the biggest pair of pants the store makes. FML