kaikocarrot

Today, I got a 31% on a Chinese test at school. I moved here to New Jersey from China two months ago. FML

Oh, hello!

Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find out nobody actually moved in. The noises that have been coming from up there were made by rats. Lots of them. FML

Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

Real estate

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

Today, my younger brother and I got into a fight over who the favorite child is. My mom overheard, came in the living room and said, "It's your little brother, now shut up." She was serious. FML

Spooked

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

Nice try

Today, I tried to "trip" and fall into this guy I've had a crush on. I missed and fell on my face. He stepped over me and kept walking. FML

Today, I got my period, and had to rush to my parents' bathroom for some pads. They'd put all our wrapped presents in their bathroom. As I was looking, my dad thought I was opening presents and barged in, only to see me with my pants around my ankles. Now he won't stop laughing. FML

Today, my mother-in-law called me every 2 hours, starting at 8pm and stopping at 10am the following morning. She says that since my wife and I are expecting our first child, I should "get used to waking up at all hours." She calls my work phone, which I'm not allowed to switch off. FML

Today, I was on a date, when I suddenly choked on my own saliva and coughed so hard that I passed out. FML

Today, after getting back from my interior design class, I told my husband that I learned the golden rule for home decor: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and didn't say a word. FML

Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML

Today, after being worried for a week because my dog wasn't eating, I paid the vet $120 for her to tell me that my dog doesn't like her dog food. FML

Brown out

Today, I was walking a dog at the animal hospital where I work when it pooped out a rag-like object. I told the doctor, who told me to clean it off to see what it was. It was a rainbow-colored thong. We have to give it back to the owner when they pick their dog up. FML

Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML

Yummy

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

Today, I had to give a sexual harassment seminar to my department. Someone put in a complaint that my example made them feel uncomfortable. FML

Buzzwords

Today, my store manager thought that it would improve morale to talk in hashtags. FML

Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML

Shudder

Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth did I get so tall. My mom happily scampered to my side and shrieked, "TWO YEARS OF BREAST MILK!" FML

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

Today, after paying at the gas station, the cashier stuck out her hand, which was clenched into a fist. I thought she wanted a fist-bump, so I gave her one. She just stared back at me. Turns out she was just trying to give me my change. FML

Today, I was babysitting my 4-year-old cousin. She scraped her knee, and in an attempt to cheer her up, I put a refrigerator box over my head and waddled around like a penguin. She stopped crying, but only after I fell down a flight of tile stairs. FML

Today, I found out that my lover and boyfriend of over 5 years has me listed in his contacts as "Vagina". FML

Today, I have exactly 204 snowflakes saved onto my computer, all of which I made on this snowflake-making website. This is what my life has come to. FML

Today, it seems to have got to the point where I take fleas off my cat so often that I now have dreams about finding the biggest and most perfect flea. FML

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a Smurf. FML

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

So close…

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML