maine En couple
Today, while moving into my new place, I saw my new, elderly neighbor sitting on her porch. I cheerfully greeted her with, "Hello, how are you?" She simply rocked slowly in her chair and replied, "Just waiting to die." She was the most cheerful person I met all day. FML
Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML
Today, the pizza delivery guy and I know more about each other than me and my family ever have. FML
Today, one of my co-workers threw a piece of garbage at the waste bin beside me. When it missed, he said, "Aw, I missed the garbage... and the bin beside it." FML
Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML
Today, I got yelled at by parents of one of my students because their child didn't perform well at their Winter Concert. These are the same parents who told me months ago that I needed to be more lenient by allowing their kids to skip rehearsals. FML
Today, whilst riding my brand new dirt bike for the first time, the chain broke and slashed me down the back of the left leg with such force that it chipped the bone. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML
Today, my friend was complaining to me that she's gained 20 pounds and it's all gone to her butt and boobs. Meanwhile, I've also gained 20 pounds, and it's gone straight to my stomach. She looks better than she did before. FML
Today, for the first time since my partner moved in with me, I did one of my favourite things: I bought some nice cheese and a bottle of wine and went on to People of Walmart, just as I do every month or so. He called me a disgusting human being and went for a walk two hours ago. FML
Today, my roommate went away for the weekend so she could hook up with a guy from Tinder that she's never met. This wouldn't be a problem if we hadn't already made plans for my 18th birthday, which is also today. Here's to a night of Netflix with my dog. FML
Today, after waiting 3 months until my friend's wedding was done being celebrated, I announced my engagement. My newlywed friend bitched me out for "stealing" all of the attention and being selfish. FML
Today, my 18th birthday, I woke up vomiting with a temperature of 104 degrees. After I settled back in bed with some water, my mom said, "This is how you're supposed to feel on your 21st birthday, not your 18th." FML
Today, my therapist recommended that I start seeing a psychiatrist. FML
Today, I bought a rather unique shirt for my boyfriend, planning to give it to him for Christmas. He showed up wearing the same shirt. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML
Today, I mentioned to my parents that Sunday is going to be awesome because it's Christmas. They responded with "Wait, this Sunday? In 3 days?!" Apparently they forgot. FML
Today, my period has given to me 4 giant zits, 3 screaming shits, 2 stomach ulcers, and a fever blister on my lips. A few days until Christmas and the gifts keep coming. FML
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