Wolverine48Ga

Today, I contemplated the ratio of cats I have to friends I have. I need more friends. FML

Fit as a fiddle

Today, I went to sit on a desk chair, which promptly rolled out from under me. This made me fall on my own foot, literally shattering two bones. I just bought a 9-month gym membership and can't use it because I wanted to sit down. FML

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "Just meat and cheese." When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

Use the force

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

Who you gonna call?

Today, while lying in bed, I heard a strange grating noise coming from the hallway. After recovering from my initial assumption that it was a poltergeist come to murder me and steal my liver, I went out to investigate. It was there that I discovered my bulldog casually eating into the wall. FML

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

Today, I found out that if I take back my expensive headphones that my daughter constantly borrows, she will play porn on max volume, whether or not I have guests over. FML

Scaredy cats

Today, I turned on my furnace when I got home from work for the first time this season. Only problem? Cats. Our kitten Norman has never heard a furnace in his life and Noel has just forgotten what a furnace sounds like. Both cats are terrified and won't stop yelping. I just want to sleep. FML

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML