koolboi69

Feels bad man

Today, I went to a bar with some buddies, and after trying to pick up a few girls, one of my friends got a number. When I heard the number, I said, "Sorry man, that's definitely the rejection hotline number." So many girls have given me that number, I've memorized it. FML

Today, I was interviewed by this TV crew who asked me what I thought of Rhode Island being voted for the second most neurotic state. I thought they said that Rhode Island was the second most erotic state. I commented. FML

Heartwarming

Today, my college roomate and I received our first pieces of mail. We were very excited because our mailbox wasn't empty anymore. She got a package of home baked cookies in the mail from her family. I got a letter from a stranger in prison. FML

Today, I asked my boss a simple question about a problem I was having with a project I am currently doing. He replied: ''You don't worry your sweet little ass about it babe". My boss is my girlfriend's father. Nice. FML

Today, while studying in India, I was peacefully journaling, reflecting and enjoying the beautiful landscape. And then a monkey threw its poo at me. FML

Today, after years of thinking I was weird for never being attracted to anyone, I realized that for the first time in my life I actually have a crush on someone. That 'someone' is my English teacher. He is 60. I am 18. FML

Turn on

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

Technique

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

Mr Beard

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to put my bra on. FML

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

Itchy arse

Today, I learned the worst part about being dared to shave your ass hair: Stubble. FML

Today, I complained to the train company online. I filled in information and added several photos as evidence. I only realised later that the photos I attached were nudes. FML

Today, I had to grip the headboard of my bed for the first time in months. I wasn't having incredible sex unfortunately, just really bad gas. FML

Today, some random bloke introduced himself at a bar by asking to fuck me. I got tongue-tied trying to say both "fuck off" and "please go away". I ended up telling him to "Please fuck away." FML

Today, I found out that my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I have in our last year of marriage. FML

Today, I was trying on bikinis at a local store. When I put my pants back on, my foot got stuck, I tripped and fell through the curtain of the fitting room, topless. FML

Today, I went to CVS to buy some tampons. The cashier said, "Ewwww... You're on your period." FML

Today, I got called a slut. I don't know what is worse, the fact I was called it or that I felt strangely flattered that the person thought I was getting any. FML

Proof

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

Dorito Man

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of Doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the Doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

Today, I decided to try something new with my boyfriend, and sexted him. My text ended up sounding so stupid that I panicked and quickly sent another saying "SORRY WRONG PERSON". FML

Good to know

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

Today, I tried skydiving for the first time. The professional I was attached to had a boner the whole way down. FML

Nervous

Today, I realized how truly insecure I really am when the guy in the show I was watching looked straight into the camera and I immediately looked away. FML

Today, I went on Facebook, only to see my grandpa had posted "feeling horny" with my grandma. FML