interesting33

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

Today, tomorrow, and every day before and after, I will still be a sociopath who thinks they want to have a real, positive human connection. Why do I think I'm a sociopath? As soon as I get close to someone and they open up to me, I find myself hating every minute of it. Yes, I deserve it. FML

Chill out

Today, I had a meeting with HR that resulted in me being dismissed for poor performance. I was confused because up until that point, my line manager had said my performance was exemplary. Turns out it wasn't, and he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to be stressed. FML

Today my husband said he doesnt want to be in the same room as me alone , unless our daughters with us. I followed him to another state because he was relocated(army )and we all had to move. I left my entire world,family, job, friends ,for a man who doesn’t even want to be in the same room as me .. FML

Today, I discovered that my daughter’s first grade teacher told her that she’d be doing the world a favor if she committed suicide. I found out because I picked her up and she asked me what ‘suicide’ means. Did I mention she’s six? FML

No, not Melanie…

Today, I found my brother sobbing uncontrollably. When I asked why, he told me Melanie was dead. Thinking he was talking about his girlfriend, I offered to take him to a grief counselor. It was there that he told us that Melanie is the name of his horse in Red Dead Redemption II. FML

Today, on an overnight flight, I fell asleep on the very attractive gentlemen sitting next to me. Not only did I snore, but I drooled on him. He asked me if I had any diseases. FML

Today, I served green bean casserole for dinner. My niece hated it so much that my brother had to hold her down while his wife force fed it to her while holding her nose shut so she’d have to open her mouth. She passed out and still wouldn’t eat it when she woke up. FML

Mystery

Today, I signed for a delivery for my mom and something inside started to vibrate. I can't leave it because if she gets home and it's still vibrating she'll know I know what it is, but if I open it to turn it off, she'll know I've opened it and know what it is. Someone help me. FML

Today, I got fired from My job. At first they didn't want to tell me why but they finally admitted it was because I'm "too nervous" around customers. I have an anxiety disorder and now I've lost my job because of it. FML

Today I was let go from a job I had for only four weeks because according to the manager my skills did not match up. I did everything they told me to do. They hired a permanent employee two days before I was let go. Now I have to deal with job hunting again with a four week job on my background.. FML

Today, I was stopped by a cop whilst opening my front door. Apparently my house has been under investigation for being abandoned and a possible drug lab. I live alone with my cats. I knew it was sad, not that it was suspicious. FML

Today, I found out about my parent's divorce over Facebook from my sister who lives 8 hours away in another province. They made the decision 3 weeks ago. I live with my parents. FML

Today I finally opened up to my boyfriend of a year about the brutal sexual abuse I suffered as a teen. After lengthy talks and multiple conversations he finally sighed and snapped “Jesus you must’ve liked it since you can’t shut up about it!” Now I’m more depressed than ever. Fml

Hammerhead

Today, I got absolutely hammered and noticed this familiar-looking chick. I walked up to her and said, "Oh my god, I know I know you but I don't know where from." Looking annoyed, she replied, "We've worked together for months." FML

Today, my self-consciousness/shyness reaches an all time low when I went to wash the dishes in the bathroom instead of the communal kitchen, because I was scared people would judge me for the way I washed dishes. FML

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

Forever Alone

Today, at my younger sister's wedding, my hospitalised grandmother called to ask if I have a boyfriend yet, both my parents wondered if I'll ever get married, and when the 13-year-old next to me caught the bouquet, his father yelled from the back to give it to me instead. FML

Today, I’m in the last stages of heart failure and my husband of 5years and best friend of 15 doesn’t even want to spend time with me what little we have left after everything else that happened earlier this year. It will be the second time I was on my death bed in six months. FML

Today, I realized that my life has not gone well so far. I'm 20, I'm borderline morbidly obese, I'm currently unemployed, and I have liver and kidney failure. I realized this at 1 am, completely naked, getting drunk, and eating way too many donuts, whilst I was binge watching Futurama and porn. FML