cakeisfun

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

Dad jokes

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML