Wayward_Daughter

Today, I came out as bisexual to my friends via group message. They didn't respond; I had a panic attack. An hour later, one of my friends texted back, "k". FML

Today, my sweet tooth went to a whole different level when I took a swig out of a bottle of maple syrup. FML

Today, I sat on the bus for 3 hours stuck in traffic trying to ignore the old lady sitting next to me discreetly masturbating. FML

Today, I got attacked by a monkey. My country isn't even supposed to have monkeys in it. FML

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

Today, my boss informed me I couldn't go on my "vacation" because he's leaving for one of his employees' weddings. That just so happens to be my wedding, for which I'm taking the vacation. FML

Today, my fiancée told me about her new diet. Apparently, she is only going to drink water and tan in a tanning bed so she can photosynthesise. She thinks this will help her lose weight, since she doesn't have to eat anything. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my pet lizard eating my other pet lizard. FML

Today, during a family game of "Cards Against Humanity," I had to explain to my mom what queefing is. FML

Today, I received a phone call from the counselor at my son's preschool, requesting that I come pick him up. He was barking incessantly at his classmates. And when they asked him to stop, he growled. FML