Erebos_

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

Blown job

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

Today, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling with the lights off. It was 1AM and I'd just finished watching a scary movie so I was a little paranoid. I was about to fall asleep when an eerie light lit the room. I jumped, got tangled in the sheets, and hit my head against the bed frame. Where'd the light come from? Not a space ship. Not someone breaking in. It was my phone. FML

Sorry for asking…

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

Turned on

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I said something grammatically wrong during it. He chose to correct it. FML

Today, I was talking to the girl I really like, and she was telling me how crappy her day was. Trying to be nice, I gave her a back rub. I somehow managed to unhook her bra. FML

Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons for a party in recognition of our company's huge merger. Instead, he made condom balloons. Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms for a prestigious company event. A company whose CEO is named Dick. FML

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by pissing by some drunken loon on a segway. FML

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML

Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

Today, my boyfriend was putting baby powder on my bare ass, when his dad walked into the room, casually set a laundry basket next to the bed, and walked out like nothing happened. FML

Today, I tutored a third grade girl after school. She was squirming so much I thought she had to go to the bathroom. Turns out, she was just masturbating on the corner of a school chair. FML

Today, I met a girl who was just as socially anxious as me. We spent the whole night staring at each other, then quickly looking away when the other person saw. FML

Noooooooo!

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML