lilmarco

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail, because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

Today, I watched my boss try to stick a magnet to cardboard. FML

Roomies

Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML

Probably not

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML