Bilbotitface

Today, my phone alarm woke me up. It had fallen under my boyfriend's bed. Naked, I got on all fours to retrieve it. My boyfriend's dog stuck his nose in my ass. FML

Today, I learned what a nail gun shooting my leg feels like. FML

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

Innocence

Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML

Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction on our school. I had to take a dump really bad, and had to use the built in bathroom. As I was in there I heard laughing. Turns out, every sound you make is an entire broadcast to the class. FML

Today, I puked up a centipede. FML

Dad jokes!

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

Today, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus. More specifically, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus from being hit in the face by a pigeon that was deflected from the windscreen of a van moving at about 35mph. FML

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML

Today, I was driving along when the car in front of me ran over an animal. I only realised this when a chunk of flesh and blood landed on my windscreen. I put my wipers on to get rid of it but instead it got stuck underneath the wipers and smeared all over the screen. FML

Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

Today, I had to run a mile in gym class for fitness training. If it takes longer than 10 minutes to run the stretch, you have to re-take it. My time was 10:02. FML

Today, while tanning on a family cruise, I woke up to a crowd of people staring at me in disgust. Apparently, I'd fallen asleep, developed a boner, and started french-kissing the air. I had to sit through both the surveillance tapes and a grand bollocking from security in the aftermath. FML

Great start

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

Gotcha

Today, I noticed an extremely large bug buzzing around my room. After several attempts, I stomped on it with my shoe. I was trying to get a closer look at my victory when it flew into my nostril. Turns out it was just playing dead. FML

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

Thanks, I guess…

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love Twinkies." FML

Today, I got a really bad cramp while I was swimming in my neighborhood pool. I started to go under until the lifeguard jumped in and saved me. I guess it would have been great, if I wasn't a fellow lifeguard. FML

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML