ukeandfoodislife

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

Today, after two weeks of not having sex, my pregnant girlfriend and I finally fooled around. This was immediately followed by her bursting into tears and begging me to make her a ham steak. FML

Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML

Today, I came home from vacation, only to find my neighbours relaxing on my patio, and their kids swimming in my pool. FML

Today, my girlfriend of a month told me that the only thing keeping her from swallowing a bottle of pills is being in a relationship with me, because she doesn't handle breakups well. FML

Sorry sweetie

Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's office, I looked up at the news on the TV to see my husband's mugshot. FML

Today, I filled up my company car with my own debit card, instead of my fuel card. It was the last £40 I had for the month. FML