anonymousunicorn

Today, I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

Today, my first and only true date ended with the girl saying, "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian." FML

Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML

Today, I slept over at my friend's house but forgot my glasses. When I woke up in the morning, I came out of his room and forcefully kicked what I thought was a soccer ball on the floor. Turns out it was his miniature poodle - it fell down a long flight of stairs. FML

Today, I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling "hot, sexy, and passionate." According to my ring, I'm hot for my cat. FML

Hi-de-hi

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant. I was drinking some water when I noticed a hot guy eating alone at another table waving at me. I smiled back, but had forgotten to swallow the water so it dribbled out of my mouth all over my shirt. FML

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

Today, I went to see my grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember me sometimes, and today she thought I was her sister and that I was trying to steal my grandfather from her. She hit me with a cane and called me a slut. FML

Today, I had to clean my walls with those Mr Clean Magic Sponges because we were having visitors. I got bored and started drawing penises with it because they would leave wet marks. There is nothing magic about how slow they dry when your visitors come an hour early. They saw all ten of them. FML

Today, I was at a new shopping mall. After an hour, I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Spotting one, I ran inside, locked myself in a cubicle and relieved myself. The toilet paper was out so I knocked on the cubicle beside me to ask for some. A lady's voice answered. She needed some too. FML

What ARE you doing?

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to get out of the shower. Bored, I sent my friend a picture of myself pretending to make out with his bear rug. After the photo shoot, I looked in the doorway to find his dad staring at me. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

Dad jokes

Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said, "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why it is inappropriate for her to go skinny dipping with her male friends. FML

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML

WTF are you doing in here?

Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML

Today, like every other day, my boss referred to my breasts as pillows he needs to nap on. FML

I LOVED THAT LITTLE GUY

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML