Mademoiselle Santa Monica, California Célibataire
Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML
Today, I found out why my teenage daughter won't brush her teeth properly. Apparently, my son convinced her that toothpaste has tons of calories. FML
Today, my mother had a full-on hissy fit because of the clothes I was wearing. Not because she thought they were inappropriate, but because I was "stealing her look." FML
Today, I went to the pool with my son. One moment I'm sitting down, applying sunscreen to my legs, and the next I look up to see him squatting on the diving board, seconds before dropping a deuce into the pool. As we got kicked out, he screamed that it was my fault. FML
Today, I was on drive-thru where I work. Our policy is that we can give free treats to dogs that come through. A woman came in and I noticed her dog. Without a thought, I grabbed a treat and asked if her dog wanted one. I looked again. The 'dog' was her daughter. FML
Today, while waiting in the queue at a supermarket checkout, my three-year-old daughter yells out, "Mom! Mom! Is that a man or a lady in front?" Embarrassed, I reply, "Honey, can't you see that it's a... it's a... a..." FML
Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML
Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML
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