Monsieur Célibataire
Today, I went to my friend's house. While she went to the kitchen, I noticed a little pink pastry on her desk. It looked really good, so I decided to take a bite before she got back. As I bit into it, a sizzling noise started, and foam overflowed in my mouth. It was a bath bomb. FML
Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML
Today, I wanted to punish a student for being late. I decided to start a pop quiz before he arrived. I was positive there wasn't enough time for him to finish. He scored full marks and I couldn't say a word. FML
Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML
Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML
Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML
Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML
Today, while working at McDonald's, an angry customer called asking for his money back. Apparently we'd put 6 cheeseburgers in his bag instead of 5, he ate them all and now feels sick. FML
Today, I watched "Time of the Doctor" and I'm pretty sure my love of Doctor Who slithered out through my ear and shamefully lodged itself in the darkest corner of the room, crying. FML
Today, I noticed my laptop kept shutting down and the mouse cursor was all over the place, clicking on every folder. I dismantled the entire computer only to notice something in one of my USB drives: the receiver to a wireless mouse my colleague put there earlier to play a prank on me. 5ML
Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML
Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML
Today, I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pocket. Turns out he'd written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML
Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that secondhand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML
Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes she did! She's lying I saw her drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML
Today, I witnessed a horrible car accident and was interviewed by the local news. During the interview I said, "It was terrible. It was like watching a silent movie... but there was sound!" The interview has been aired 6 times. FML
Today, my grandpa died. I called my grandma to make sure she was going to be fine. After talking over the phone for 30 minutes or so, I told her goodbye and said, out of habit, "Say hi to grandpa for me". FML
Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML
Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML
Today, I drove my cousin to her wedding. The photographer said I was too ugly for the official photos so they searched the crowd for a good looking guy to pose as the driver in my new car. No one in the crowd stopped to defend me. My mom told me it's my own fault. FML
Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML
Today, I went to a family counseling session because my parents are getting a divorce. I told the counselor that I feel guilty because I feel like I caused it. She says that there is no way I could have caused it, that it's my parents' problem when my mom interrupts her to say, "Yes she did." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend how happy I was with him. He responded by pulling down his pants and slapping his ass. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. FML
Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML
Today, I told a customer at the drive-thru I couldn't hear him as he had his music blaring too loud. The customer then drove to the window and verbally abused me for listening to my iPod at work. My "iPod" is the headset we use to take orders at the drive-thru. FML
Today, a police officer caught my girlfriend and me having sex. The officer was my dad, and we were butt naked in his new Ford Expedition. FML
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