mercedesm

Sleeping In

I'll never leave this bed!

No Shame

At least he's honest!

King of the Jungle

What would Mufasa think?!

Whiny Husky

But moooooooom...

Night time entertainment

Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

Dog Lover Struggles

Dance like nobody's watching!

Fat Cat

He's not fat, he's just fluffy.

Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML

Hangover Struggles

Living that derp life.

Disrespectful Puppy

So much sass from such a small dog!

Hungry Cat

Why isn't it ready yet? Let me at it!

Tough Day

Please don't make me get up.

October Spooks

Scare or be scared.

Sorry Babe

Don't hate me please!

Vegan Love

This is the night, it's a beautiful night, and we call it bella notte...

Young Management

But now…

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t… FML

Today, I met my new 7ft tall and heavily muscular neighbor. Before I could say anything, he greeted me in his really deep voice with, "Excuse me, but is this yours?" He was holding my muddy 3-year-old son, who he'd found in his backyard, by his jumpers like a stuffed cat. FML

Breaking Bad Habits

Help! I'm stuck!

Today, on my first day at as a photo editor at a print store, I had to spend over an hour editing a full shoot of a fat man eating a baguette in a bathtub, closeups included. FML

Y'all need fiber.

Today, I had just gotten out of the shower when I thought I had to fart, so I ripped it. instead, I shat all over myself and my floor. I'm 30. FML

Today, I woke up to an early Christmas present on my car. It was a nicely wrapped box containing a dead bird, a half eaten sandwich, and a note reading "MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN." This will probably be my only Christmas present. My name is Luke. FML

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML

I LOVED THAT LITTLE GUY

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Today, my kitten decided that having diarrhea was not a good enough reason to stop running in circles around my living room. FML

Today, I dropped my toothbrush. Because I have the spatial awareness of a mentally-retarded gnat, I hit my head against the sink as I bent down to get it. Then I did the same on the way back up, almost KO'ing myself. My boyfriend saw the whole thing and nearly pissed himself laughing. FML