DontThumbMeDown

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML

Today, the only girl I really loved said to me: I want you to be the father of my child, but I don't want to be your girlfriend. FML

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

WTF kid?

Today, while my 4 year-old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, "Auntie, my Pee-do is hard, but it will go away." FML

Good question

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue stud and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin said, "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years-old. FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year-old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I gave him the gift, and he started playing with the bag it came in. FML

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

Today, I found out that even though my parents have been married for 21 years, our "family friend," who routinely accompanies us on family vacations, completes their threesome. Everyone in town has known for years, except for me and my older brother. FML

Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

Today, my 15-year-old daughter asked for a ride to her boyfriend's house. It's the same house I've been driving her to for sleepovers with her friend "Kate" for two years. FML

Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML

Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML

Todd is fine, and you?

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who talked about himself in the third person. Seriously. FML

Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML

Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real 'Fmylife Official' app was a lot more complete. And free. FML

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML

Today, out of all the cars in the parking lot, mine got struck by lightning. FML

Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one-night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

Today, I felt like adding my real middle name to my facebook name to make it look more professional. It was denied because they didn't feel it was a legitimate request. Minutes later, someone with the name of "Galactic Toast" friend requested me. FML

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML