becauseofcats

Today, I bought "Angus, thongs and perfect snogging" on DVD. FML

Stinker

Today, I took this girl out that I've been crushing on for 2 years to a fancy restaurant. At one point during the date, I had to get up to take a massive dump. As I was walking back to the table, a little boy stood up and shouted, "THAT'S THE POOPOO MAN!" in front of the whole restaurant. FML

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

Alas, poor Salem

Today, a policeman and I confronted my psychotic neighbor, who stole my cat because she thinks flea bites cause cancer. She refused to tell us what she'd done with the cat. I just spent $100 last month in vet bills, and my kids are crying for their pet. He's probably in pieces in her freezer. FML

Priorities

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML

Today, a cashier asked me if I would like to donate to breast cancer research. Since I have already made my donations this month, I politely declined. The cashier snorted and said, "Maybe you'll feel differently if someone you love got cancer." I'm a two-year survivor. FML

The creepy guy next door

Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. Twenty minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML

Today, one of my cats gave birth. My other cat responded by eating the new litter in a jealous rage, then got indigestion and vomited. I had to clean up regurgitated kittens. FML

Crackers

Today, my company is doing so bad that I had to take down my symbolic first dollar so that I could buy a roll of crackers for dinner. FML

Today, I got my daughter's school pictures. Instead of smiling, she did the duck face. She's 6. FML

Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML