golden_warrior

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML

I don't get paid enough for this shit

Today, while cleaning tables at the fast food place where I work, I had to remove two human teeth from a table top. FML

Today, I found out this girl I had sex with lied to me. They weren't razor burn bumps. And I now have them. FML

What have you been up to?

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML