Viksta

Today, my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is a retard. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face, and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML

Today, at lunch I ordered a Coke. The waiter replied, "Diet Coke?" and I corrected him saying, "No, regular Coke." He shook his head and said again, "Diet Coke." FML

Better Call Small

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He's 6'2 and I'm 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

Today, I hit a parked car. I was walking. To make the scene more embarrassing, the car alarm shocked me and I backed up quickly into the parking meter, knocking me down once more. FML

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

Tech support

Today, my mom has been calling me every ten minutes, asking me questions about her new computer. She called me at work, and I rudely answered her question. She called back, talked to my boss, saying she was a customer that called in, and I was rude to her. FML

Dumbass

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the driver's side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

Today, as I was watching a DVD, I noticed a spider crawling on my crotch area. So, I panicked and smashed the spider, smashing my nuts in the process. FML

Chips

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt… into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

Drained

Today, the water in my shower wouldn't drain so I used a snake to unclog it. I pulled almost a full foot of nasty hair and gunk out of the drain. I just moved in, and the previous owner was an elderly woman. I just pulled a foot of old lady pubes out of my drain. FML

Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML

Today, while I was driving my 27 year old boyfriend 8 hours to a Pokémon event, he realized he didn't bring his DS with him. He cried about it. FML