JackTheRipper_fml

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

Today, I met a cute guy for coffee. Everything was going fine, right up until he started telling me about his alien encounters and super psychic powers. FML

Today, I was on my way to meet some friends for lunch. As I was parking, one of their cell phones accidentally called mine. As I walked to the restaurant, I listened in as some of my best friends discussed all the things they hate about me. FML

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML