Zelphoric

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me by text. It's also the day that the birthday present I ordered for him was finally processed and shipped, meaning I can't cancel and get my money back. FML

Today, I had to explain to one of my high school students that the importance of Pearl Harbor was not, in fact, because the Japanese stole the US pearl supply. FML

Today, a guy took me out on a date. His imaginary friends joined us. FML

Today, my anxiety got so bad that when I stole a sword in Skyrim and resisted arrest, I had a full-on panic attack as I ran away. I ended up curling up on the sofa as my character got hacked to death on the TV. FML

Thanks, I guess

Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

Don't mind me

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, "Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

Awkward much?

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with, "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

Today, I spent two hours researching ways to fake my death, just so I can escape my crazy, overbearing stalker of a mum. FML

Well done

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a wimp and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

Today, at work, the janitor would not stop telling me how good I looked. This was after he told me he was fired for sexual harassment at his last job. He clearly learned that lesson. FML

Today, after trying unsuccessfully for three or so years to have a baby with my wife, my broodiness has gotten so bad that when I saw a couple with their daughter at the bus stop, I briefly had a daydream where I shot them in the head and took their daughter home to raise as my own. FML

Today, at 26, I got chicken pox. My parents stand by their belief that I got it because I'm not right with God, not because they didn't vaccinate me. FML

Panic!

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

What did you expect?

Today, after months of trying to train my cockatiel to perch on my finger, he finally trusted me enough to fly from his cage and land on my hand. I panicked and accidentally backhanded him across the room. FML

Wanker

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he's convinced wearing boxer briefs instead of panties makes me a lesbian. FML

Today, my drunk dad told me I'm smart enough that any guy could overlook the fact that I'm fat, but not smart enough that they could overlook how ugly I am. Gee, thanks. FML

Today, I got my phone back after bringing it in to get a crack in the screen repaired. The crack is fixed, but now the touch screen doesn't work and it won't connect to the Internet. I essentially paid to have my phone broken even more. FML

Today, I came home from work to find my grandmother in my living room, demanding to know where I'd been all day. I'm 22 and live by myself. She stole my mother's emergency key to get in. FML

Theater kid issues

Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because tonight I'll be the lead at the opening show of my school musical. This is a dream come true. Too bad I just got bronchitis. FML

Today, I got a ticket for driving without insurance. I gave the cop my insurance information, but he said it was invalid because it didn't show an expiration date. When I pointed out the information he was looking for, he ignored me and gave me a ticket anyway. FML

Today, my wife told me alcohol gives me "increased confidence without increased ability." FML

The price of sin

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML