DntLookBack

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

Nice try

Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings - No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right… NO INTEREST." FML

Quit while you're ahead

Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

Today, I woke up with really dry, chapped lips. Still in bed, without my glasses on, I sleepily reached down into my purse for some chapstick and applied it. Upon awakening later I realized I had mistaken a mini Sharpie permanent marker for chapstick. I have a job interview today. FML

No, just no

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

Stalker vibes

Today, I was walking around Walmart when this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk, so I followed him around the store, trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. He told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

Misunderstanding

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

Today, I had a blind date with a girl someone in my office set me up with. Before the waitress returned with our drinks, this girl asked me to go to her parent's house and pretend to be the father of her yet unborn child because the real father is a drug addict and in jail for stealing her dad's car. FML

Good one, thanks

Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. As I was beginning to enjoy and really get into it, I heard him say, "Oh my god, this is good shit." I looked up sexily, only to find that he was eating a Twinkie. FML

No smoke, no fire

Today, I was about to take a dump when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

Bad hair day

Today, at my hairdressing job, my first client of the day came in for a cut. Her hair smelled awful, and when I asked her why, she informed me that she'd gotten trashed with some friends the night before, and one of them had puked in her hair. She came to me to get it cleaned out. FML

Good to know

Today, my boyfriend kindly informed me that if I ever got bitten during a zombie apocalypse, he'd love me enough to beat me to death with a tire iron. He said this because he's been having vivid dreams about it happening. I honestly don't know whether he's joking or not. FML

Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML

Today, while I was on the floor stocking a bottom shelf, a man walked up behind me and humped the back of my head. He ran away laughing. This kind of shit happens all the time. I hate my job. FML

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

Lost in translation

Today, my friend showed off her new tattoo, which is supposed to say "bad bitch" in Italian, and I had to point out that it actually says "defective female". Her response was to cuss me out and inform me that I'm no longer part of her social circle. FML

Today, there's a cricket in my apartment. I don't know if I'm more annoyed by the fact that it somehow got up three flights of stairs to get here, or that my cat is so excited about it that he's jumping on me and howling in my face to announce the cricket's presence instead of killing it. FML

Today, I saw a man lying face down in a field and thinking he was injured, I ran over to help. As soon as I got to him, I realized he was completely naked. He stood up and chased after me. FML

Drunken mess

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over four years ago decided to turn up outside my house at 1 a.m., drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

To catch a perv'

Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

Fainting time

Today, I was feeling sick and fainted while teaching my kindergarten class. I came to when one boy poured a cup of water on my face. Three kids were crying into my walkie talkie, telling the office I was dead, and the rest of the class had disappeared. FML

Today, I gave my son a fork, so I could try teaching him how to eat with one. So far, he's been doing all the teaching. He's taught me that if I get anywhere near him when he has a fork, I'll get shanked. FML

Today, I was crying at my desk at work. My colleague tried to cheer me up by saying: "Don't worry, I'm sure you will find a new job soon". I didn't even know I was fired. I was crying because my cat died this morning. FML

Not so smooth criminal

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML