Quaileggs

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend bought me a Nickelback CD. FML

Today, I went to a friend's sweet sixteen. Since I didn't know any else at the party I was really happy when the mother told me she sat me next to someone she thought I would have a lot in common with. He ended up being mentally challenged and talked to a sock puppet the whole party. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

Today, my wife told me that the only reason she gets it on with me is for the extra calorie burn. FML

It's not?

Today, my boyfriend told me he always thought the female orgasm was an urban legend. FML

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML

Today, I started to type up a mass text to tell a decent amount of my friends that I'd just come home to a surprise from my boyfriend. Trying to fix a typo, I accidentally hit send with the text only saying "Guess what?! I just came." FML

Noobs

Today, I was messing with my boyfriend in my basement. We are both virgins and he wanted to perform oral sex on me for the first time. Naked, we finally decided to try to have sex. We discovered the act is much harder than it may seem. We're both still virgins. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me to stop saying "I love you" so much because it's starting to annoy her. FML

Today, I noticed that after a month of using my gel, it never seems to empty. I then found out my older brother and his friends had been pumping their man-juice into it. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "The Fuckinator." FML

Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML

Today, it finally clicked in my mind how desperately lonely I am, when I shaved one of my legs just to find out what a woman's leg feels like. FML

Today, after his second week of babysitting, my boyfriend has begun the disturbing habit of saying, "Ready or not, here I come!" every time he's about to orgasm. He doesn't see why this doesn't appeal to me. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML

Today, I was assigned to write a short story about what we imagine Earth to be like in 500 years, and daily conflicts people experience. My teacher loved it and read it aloud to the class. He asked for my inspiration, and I didn't have the heart to say that I ripped off Mass Effect 3. FML

Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML

In the mood

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except that when he did, he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML

Today, my girlfriend told me what turns her on: cheese. FML

Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom, he stopped right before he entered me and said, "Knock knock!" He refused to continue until I replied, "Come in." FML

No kinkshaming here

Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

Today, I went on a blind date at a local restaurant. When my date walked in, she took one look at me, said "Nope", and walked out. FML