South Bend 41 ans
Today, I realized why my water bill has gone down so much. My 16 year old daughter now only feels it necessary to shower whenever her boyfriend is going to come over. FML
I mean, it would be rude to refuse!
Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to an ewok from Star Wars. She says it's short, stubby, and fuzzy. Now she sings the Star Wars theme when we hang out. FML
Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML
Today, I found a leather book in my husband's sock drawer with "BRO CODE" on the front. It was blank except for the last page, which said, "NICE TRY SUSAN BUT EVERYONE KNOWS BRO CODE IS UNWRITTEN AND FOR GUYS ONLY". Well-played, husband. Well-played. FML
Today, my husband and our 4-year-old daughter were watching My Little Pony. When her favorite character angrily screamed, "You're going to love me!", she looked at him with a perplexed look. My husband then responded, "And THAT'S how I met your mommy!" FML
Today, my 19-year-old daughter must not have heard me stop home for lunch. I saw her boyfriend's shoes at the door and snuck over to her bedroom door just in time to hear her angrily hiss at him "You don't think you came in me? Well WHAT'S DRIPPING OUT OF MY PUSSY THEN?". I turned and left. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me for his sister. No, not my sister. His sister. FML
Today my wife told me that the only reason we are together is because of my "D". Apparently we wouldn't have made it past the first year if I was smaller or bad in bed. FML
Today i was looking at pictures of me as a baby and i stumbled upon abortion paperwork, i was about to be an abortion. FML....
The other day, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob and our son was in the other room playing (not able to leave that room bc of the gate) and I came up for air and made a plop sound as I sucked and came up, our son then goes and makes the same sound...yeah, we didn’t continue after that....
Today, I found a new way to tell if my girlfriend is on her period. If she responds to "Want me to get you anything while I'm at the store?" by screaming "God just fuck off, you cunt!" then bursting into tears, the answer is a definite yes. FML
Today, it was the first time my husband came since getting a vasectomy. Not a big deal, except he didn't tell me that it’s common for men to pass out the first time they cum after the surgery. I thought my husband died from cumming for a solid minute. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML
Today, not only did I find out that my 13 year-old daughter is pregnant, I found out that she did it on purpose "to prove that she’s responsible." FML
Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously, but with no relationship. FML
Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML
Today me and my boyfriend were in an adventurous sexual position and as I started to orgasm he slipped, landed awkwardly and dislocated both my hips, while I was in the middle of an orgasm. Somehow the pleasure of the orgasm made the pain worse. I don't think I'll ever want sex again. FML
I can relate
He told you...
He's in quite a pinch there...
Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML
Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML
Today, I found my brother sobbing uncontrollably. When I asked why, he told me Melanie was dead. Thinking he was talking about his girlfriend, I offered to take him to a grief counselor. It was there that he told us that Melanie is the name of his horse in Red Dead Redemption II. FML
Today, it's my 2-year wedding anniversary. It also marks 2 years since my wife told me, "We're married now we don't need to have sex anymore." FML
That little tiger has some serious attitude. Relatable.
Today, I was debating with my now ex-boyfriend over the ethics of using torture in interrogations of suspected criminals. It took just ten minutes before he freely admitted that he'd have no problem "torturing the shit" out of me if he even suspected I was seeing another man. FML
Today, my girlfriend sent me a video of herself masturbating so I could watch it on my business trip. As I was watching it, I realised someone was filming her, because the camera was moving and definitely not on a tripod. I know I never recorded a video of her. FML
Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML
Today, my daughter asked me to braid her hair. When I was done, she said Daddy's girlfriend does it better. I wasn't aware we had an open marriage. FML
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