freshstartinlife

Today, after 2 months of searching, I finally found a good, stable job. How does the universe reward me upon waking up on my very first day? With a burning yeast infection. FML

Today, my girlfriend said she would give my penis a name: Gonzales. I asked why she wanted to name it that, and she said, "Because he's Speedy." FML

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

Today, after spending all day begging my husband to stop playing video games and show me some attention, I finally fell asleep out of boredom. As soon as I did, he shut the game off and went to hang out with our neighbor. FML