bigcountry80128

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bear to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML

DMV blues

Today, at the DMV, I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and that my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, placing my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML

Priorities

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML

Parkour

Today, I had to get stitches in my vagina due to an unfortunate mishap while climbing a fence. FML

Today, I went to the gun range for a birthday and got shot in the foot by my mom. FML

Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini bottom out of the box first, only to find a pubic hair stuck to the hygienic liner. FML

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

Today, my 13-year-old sister told me that she wants to get pregnant soon to stop her periods for a while. I can't believe we're related. FML

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

Spray it loud!

Today, I took my 2 year-old to a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

Today, I read my 10-year-old sister's diary. That's how I found out about her disturbingly detailed plan to murder me, make it look like suicide, date my boyfriend after helping him get over my death, then marry him. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he traded nude pictures I sent him for a costume piece in an internet game. He told me I should be okay with this, because, "It's a rare piece." FML

Lazy ass

Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML

Today, I found out that, given the correct velocity, a used condom can actually fly through a tiny window and slap you on the leg. I also found out that when you go to the window to yell at the perpetrator, they might have more ammunition. FML

Inappropriate

Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML

O face

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for having sex in public. FML

Rare and inventive insult

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

Today, my father tried to excuse his alcoholism by saying that his stomach stops working, and he needs to drink vodka to get it started again. FML

Today, my mom announced my pregnancy to the entire family via Facebook with the post, "Just went from a MILF to a GILF in one moment of unprotected sex." FML

Today, my roommate was making a waterproof iPhone case and decided to use my phone to test it out. It didn't work. FML