hotdaddy

Today, the girl I've been hitting on for months on MSN and that I'm about to meet told me "I know you are in love, and you know I'm not". Erm, no, I didn't know. FML

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

Show, don't tell

Today, I was desperate to teach my 2-year old to use her potty. I had to pee, and thought maybe she would learn by watching me use it. Everything was going well, until I realized that I had a long pee. So long that it overfilled her potty all over. FML

Today, I found out that my best friend kisses me while I sleep. We're both guys. FML

This doesn't feel nice

Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML

Tasty!

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

Captain Badass

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML

Unsolicited dick texts

Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML

Today, I went out to meet a wonderful woman I'd chatted with online. I did have a few fears about if she was really just some guy trying to make a fool out of me. When I met her, she really was a girl, and was happy to see me. Problem: she was actually 13. I'm 34. FML

Desperate

Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML

Up in smoke

Today, I lit my beard on fire while trying to light a cigarette driving to work. I got fired from work when I got there because of my appearance. FML

Today, I was taking a peaceful stroll in the local park when a curious turkey decided to follow me. Trying to shoo it away, I swung my leg at it, as if to fake kick it. Being the stupid animal it is, it decided to fly into my leg as I swung, causing my foot to connect to its neck. It died. FML

These are lovely

Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didn't have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

Today, after arriving home from work I found that my dog took a dump down the air conditioning vents on the floor. Now the whole house smells so good. FML

Today, my 2-year-old son put his hand on my face, gave me a sweet kiss, and put his cheek against mine. Then he slapped me hard enough to leave a mark, laughed, and scrambled away. FML

Today, after working 12 hours, my scooter broke down 2 miles from home. I had to walk myself and my scooter home all uphill. My boyfriend and his friends drove by, honked and kept going. FML

Sensitive snowflake

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML