Mademoiselle 33 ans Célibataire
Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML
Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML
Today, I was late to a sold out movie in the theater, so I had to shuffle in during the previews in the dark. I sat down in what I thought was the last vacant seat, but I'd really just sat in a small woman's lap. She was not happy. FML
Today, my friends threw me a Halloween themed party for my sweet sixteen. When I arrived, one of my friends jumped out from behind the door, dressed as Michael Myers. I peed myself in front of everyone I knew. FML
Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML
Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML
Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML
Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a Band-Aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML
Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML
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