cooluc

Noooooooooo!

Today, I reached a new low and embarrassed my entire family. While in the frozen section of Walmart, I dropped to my knees and let out a horrific, agonizing scream, when I found out they were out of Strawberry Toaster Strudels. FML

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

Today, I managed to fall face-first into a used condom. FML

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

Discontent

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him, because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML

Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

Inner voice

Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML

Better out than in

Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML

Invasion of the bodysnatchers

Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML

Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

Can't take it anymore

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML