Mademoiselle 29 ans
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML
Today, my son's hamster died. It was overweight and got stuck in its plastic tube. My 6 year old son came downstairs to me smashing a plastic tube with a dead hamster in it on the kitchen table. He thinks I killed it. FML
Today, my brother's girlfriend and my girlfriend went out shopping. My brother's girlfriend bought a pair of killer black heels and a box of condoms. My girlfriend bought a pair of orange Crocs and a vibrator. FML
Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML
Today, my house was broken into. Apparently, I have nothing good enough in my house to steal, so they took my cake. FML
Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML
Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML
Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML
Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML
Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML
Today, I couldn't find my hairbrush anywhere; I ended up having to brush my hair with a fork. FML
Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I'm of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML
Today, my husband suggested a way for us to "make some money" off our pregnancy. His great idea? Pregnancy porn. FML
Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML
Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML
Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML
Today, I discovered my 10 month-old is terrified of my laugh. Every time I start to laugh, she screams in terror. It's getting depressing. FML
Today, my boyfriend cooked us a romantic dinner using the oven. The oven he recently hid $3,000 in for safekeeping. We essentially just spent thousands of dollars on a casserole. FML
Today, an old man wanted to return a fryer. The box had blood smears all over it, so I told him no. He became irate and demanded a manager. Management said, "Hell no and don't touch that box." When I came back, he was licking a paper towel and attempting to wipe off the blood. FML
Today, I did a California stop during a drive with my Driver's Ed teacher. He made me get out, hug the stop sign and apologize to it. FML
Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML
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