Schiffy

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

I don't get paid enough for this shit

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because we didn't have any ketchup packets. I work in a coffee shop. FML

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

Today, my parents gave me an iPhone. They then checked my grades online, and promptly took it away. FML

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

Some taken

Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML

Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML

Today, I'm still freshly circumcised. My penis is still very sensitive, and I can't squat to grab stuff off the floor because of the pressure against my jeans. Kicking the objects up into my hands was working well, that is until I spilled a pack of 300 toothpicks all over the floor. FML

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

Not so smooth criminal

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML