18_alyssa_07

Today, while at the dinner table, my grandmother told me she backed over a cat. FML

Today, I got my stuff together before leaving to take the bus: cigarettes, newspaper, mobile phone and the trash. I took me at least 5 minutes in the bus to realize that I was travelling with the trash on my knees. FML

Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

Rekt

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

Today, at work, a woman came up to the counter and asked if we made sweet and sour chicken. Before I could answer, she told me a really long recipe and said "I expect to see this on the menu next time I come in, or I will complain to the manager about your lousy work ethic". I work at Starbucks. FML

Today, I went out to eat dinner with my family to celebrate my 18th birthday. I playfully put 3 straws between my knuckles to make myself look like Wolverine. I turned to my 6 year old nephew and asked, "Who am I?" He then replied, "An idiot." FML

Smoke 'em if you've got 'em

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of the smell of marijuana in the house. So I confessed and told her I'll never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

Today, my teenage son called me at work and started screaming abuse at me. He told me how he never wants to see me again and hopes I die a gruesome death. Why does he feel this way? I beat his high score on Bejewelled 2. FML

HOAs suck

Today, my condo board refused to lift the new policy, which requires pet owners to carry their dogs in common areas after someone's dog kept peeing in the hall. I can't physically carry my two dogs, so I'm now forced to wheel them through the building in a borrowed baby stroller. FML

When life gives you lemons…

Today, I was riding my bike back to my house. Suddenly I was hit by something in the head. I looked down to see a lemon on the ground and looked up to see a guy yelling at me in a car that was passing. He was yelling at me because I got in the way of the house he was throwing it at. FML

The votes are in

Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

Today, I woke up and found that someone had taken a dump on my car. They'd apparently felt bad about it, as they'd then keyed "sorry" into the door. FML

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

Served cold

Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML

Today, I was awoken at 1:30 a.m. by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

Today, some drunk dude broke into my house while my parents were out. Scared, I asked him what he wanted, his response was "cookies." FML

OKAAAAAAAY

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

Catboys rise up

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

Say cheese!

Today, I got on an empty tram and decided to sit at the back. A few minutes in, I heard a noise. Thinking it was the tram, I decided to ignore it. When I heard what sounded like a giggle, I looked around to see that it wasn't the tram, but it was some creepy middle-aged man taking photos of me. FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years called my house even though I was with him at the time. He needed to talk to my mom. He asked her to break up with me for him. FML

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML

Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

I like what I like

Today, I caught my mom eating cat biscuits. We don't have a cat. FML

Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML

Today, while pensively thinking up my next awesome Facebook status over dinner, I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get a life. FML

Today, my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off. He punched the horse in the neck, and in real life punched me in the spine. Twice. FML