Insane_Tea

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML

Supportive

Today, my grandmother told me that not only does she not accept me as a homosexual man, but that she feels my relationship with a little person is "spitting in God's face." FML

Confusing

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said, "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

Today, our school had tryouts for chorus. Everybody sang a snippet of the song together until the teacher stopped us, saying it sounded awful. He singled me out and told me to sing alone. After I sang the part, he said, "Son, your gift to God will be silence." FML

Panic attack

Today, I went to donate blood for the first time. When they stuck the needle in my arm, I had a panic attack and begged that they take it out. The woman helping me told me she'd take it out in a moment and left. It was then that the Red Cross stole a pint of my blood while I had a panic attack. FML

Get away from me

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone" in a seductive tone. FML

Today, a very good friend of mine said he had a question to ask me. Jokingly, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" When I sat back down, I saw tears in his eyes, and he said, "You've made me the happiest man alive" as he pulled a small box out of his coat. FML

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes. I am an elevator mechanic. FML

At last!

Today, I moved out of my parents' basement. After I hugged my parents, I walked out the door, only to remember I'd left my phone in the kitchen. I opened the door to see my parents dancing with joy. FML

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

Leaking

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our local supermarket. Ten feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants' legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new supermarket, maybe a new town. FML

Today, I hit a deer. The worst part? Papa deer saw me hit mama deer, and proceded to ram into my car. FML

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated

Today, I was at my 10-year high school reunion. I saw the girl I used to have a BIG crush on, so I decided to go over and say hi. She screamed when she saw me. Then she started hitting me, looking panicked. I calmed her down and asked why she hit me. She says, "Everyone thought you were dead"' FML

Today, I had one more gift to buy: a copy of Fight Club. I asked a person working at Best Buy if they had any in stock. The man wouldn't sell me the last copy because I had broken the first two rules. FML

Complicated

Today, I had to look up how to eat a mango on the internet. FML

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML

Today, my maid washed my PS3. Yes, with soap and water. FML

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

Don't stop me now

Today, my dad walked in on me singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML

Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

Today, I was in a dating auction. I was bought for $2. The man who won a date with me recited every dialog from the movie The Lord of the Rings. FML

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

Today, after buying some groceries, I walked back to my car. After trying several times to get in the door, I finally look up and see a terrified little boy holding onto his teacup poodle for dear life, frantically waving me away. My car was two spots over. FML

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML