hallow239

Today, I didn't get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

Today, I saw my neighbor of twelve years at the grocery store. Being friendly, I went over to say hello. After I did, she responded by saying that she didn't know me but I look familiar. Finally, she remembered why I'm familiar saying that I look like the dorky guy from Two and a Half Men. FML

Today, my girlfriend made me watch six hours of "Glee" with her. I don't know what I hate the most, the fact that I actually sat there and watched it or that I'm angry at Finn for breaking up with Rachel. FML

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year-old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

Today, while I was walking home, I noticed an elderly man in a wheel chair trying to paint his garage so I went over to help. His response was verbal abuse and a slap to the face with a wet paint brush. FML

Lower your expectations

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year-olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

Yaaaaaay!

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

Today, I had to give a 63 year old man a shot. He started bawling before I even brought out the needle. I tried to get him calm down. Then he grabbed the needle, threw it at me and ran out the door. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML

Today, I finally found out who has been sending me hate letters, it's my husband's ex-wife. They've been divorced for 7 years. FML

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

Today, when my boyfriend said it was time to play with his baby, I figured he was talking about me. He meant his Xbox. FML

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

Today, my grandpa told us he wanted to fit in. His idea of fitting in is streaking in a park at 4:00 pm. FML

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Headshot

Today, I was walking down the street hand in hand with my girlfriend. I couldn't help but stare at a gorgeous girl as she bent down to pick something up. It was such a great sight, I didn't notice the metal telephone pole directly in my path. FML

Panic! In the Bathroom

Today, while I was showering, my brother thought it would be funny to burst through the door pretending he was a burglar. Panicked, I went to grab the soap bar as a weapon, slipped, fell, and hit my head on the faucet. FML

Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML

Nice!

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML

Today, a customer threw his cup of coffee at me screaming that it wasn't hot enough. Well, maybe it wasn't hot enough for him, but it was sure hot enough to burn me. FML