Mademoiselle Reno , United States 35 ans
Today, I finally met my long-term partner's mother, which I'd been nervous about for some time. Whilst using her bathroom I managed to knock over a large, ornate mirror and it chopped her toilet in half. FML
Today, I learned the hard way why no matter how constipated you are, it is never a good idea to use a suppository when you are tired. FML
Today, while getting a breast exam for some suspicious lumps, I was lying on the table with my boobs exposed and I learned my doctor is afraid of wasps. I had to chase the wasp out whilst topless. FML
Today, I finally had a chance to get outside after receiving shrapnel to my leg. My crutches had not yet arrived so I didn't want to risk it, but my buddies said they had my back. We went to the seaside and I sat down as they say they'd be right back. It started to rain and everyone forgot me. I can stand, but not walk. FML
Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML
Today, after a recent move into my new apartment, I woke up early to study for an upcoming exam. I hadn't left my bed yet or made a sound, when my neighbor texted me and asked why I was awake. No one in the building has my phone number. FML
Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML
Today, my cat followed me into the bathroom. While I was showering, he knocked over the storage shelf behind the toilet. The shelf was the perfect length to wedge the shower door completely closed. No one was home so I had to climb over my tall shower door all slippery and naked. FML
Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, had a wonderful cup of coffee, and found my son throwing up rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. FML
Today, during an interview, I was given a list of items and asked which items I would take to a deserted island. When I chose a Bible, the interviewer asked why. I replied, "So I can burn it." What I meant to say was, "So I can use it to start a fire if the trees on the island bear fruit." FML
Today, I was told that I wasn't "long-term material" by a guy who has the words "white trash" tattooed across his knuckles. FML
Today, nobody wanted to come to my graduation after finding out that my father was coming too. FML
Today, my father was offered 85 sheep for my hand in marriage. We live in the USA, and he is literally contemplating the offer. FML
Today, I broke it off with my mistress so that I could work on my marriage. Shortly after, my wife received an anonymous message, saying that I'd been unfaithful. FML
Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML
Today, I was asked to babysit for a family that attends the daycare I work at. All of my coworkers warned me that they were rough kids but I shrugged it off. As soon as the parents left, the 7-year-old girl said, "Oh good now I can focus on death and my plans". FML
Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard cannon. FML
Today, after being suspicious for some time, I learned that my husband really has been going to the library in his free time to study anatomy. Specifically female anatomy, with the librarian, in the back closet. FML
Today, in my early morning haze, I tried to find the setting on my phone that would stop my cat meowing for his breakfast. FML
Today, I was pulled aside by my father's new wife and told, "You're not your dad's favorite anymore and you need to stop acting like it." FML
Today, I can remember dozens of serial killers, their victims, the way they killed, the length of their prison sentences, and anything else about them, but nothing related to my upcoming science test. FML
Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I miss the amazing sex life we used to have, as we haven't had sex in months. She accidentally blurted out, "Well, I've still got one." It seems our neighbour has taken over my role in the bedroom. FML
Today, I performed for the first time at someone's wedding. When the music started, I heard a click. Slowly, I felt my strapless bra drop lower and lower due to my non-existent breasts. The hook on my bra had broken at that very moment on stage. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, I hosted my 6-year-old daughter's birthday party. After inviting 15 kids from her class, making a huge 2-flavor character cake, and cutting pool noodles for light sabers, only 1 kid showed up. FML
Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML
Today, I found out I have a yeast infection, a bladder infection, and a urinary tract infection all at the same time. Oh, and I also have the flu. FML
Today, I had to call out of work due to my house flooding. As if that wasn't bad enough, my boss promptly accused me of lying because "the others from your town made it in today." I didn't realize we all lived together. FML
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