pats2004

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML

Boo!

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

Today, I overheard my son mutter to himself, "If Hitler could do it to that many people, so could I..." Anyone recommend a good psychiatrist? FML

The turkeys fight back

Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how much a new windshield costs. FML

Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML

I'm awake

Today, my roommate thought it was a good idea to set my beard on fire to wake me up. FML