ashleyyluvsu

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

Today, my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses. Too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first. FML

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML