artistswife

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

Today, I did a California stop during a drive with my Driver's Ed teacher. He made me get out, hug the stop sign and apologize to it. FML

Today, I was trying to get a good night's sleep before the huge exam tomorrow, which I'm extremely anxious about. The SAME night my neighbor below me is having a home birth. It lasted NINE HOURS. FML

Today, I'm studying abroad in Japan. For the first time, I had to ride the train home from school alone. My host sister told me which train and the time it left. I sat down on the train, feeling proud of myself when I realized she didn't tell me what stop was ours, and I barely speak Japanese. FML

Mystery

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy several years ago. I've been faithful the whole time, but he wouldn't believe me, even after I showed him that vasectomies can reverse themselves. FML

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

Today, I got a letter from my old bank saying I owe them over 400 dollars. I closed the account 3 months ago, or at least I thought I did. The teller never finished closing it and I've been getting hammered with maintenance fees and overdrafts on an account I didn't even want anymore. FML

Today, I heard from multiple people that my girlfriend called me a dumbass because I apparently sent her "Good Morning" twice. We aren't even three full days into the relationship. FML

Today, my boss found out I had applied for a much better paying job. He told me I'd do a better job and make more money there. Then he fired me. FML

Today, daylight savings is on the way. Two years ago, I planned to propose right before the time change, all to have an extra hour of "the best day of my life". Now I have an extra hour to remember how distinctly single I still am and how awful she was. FML

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

Today, while working for my grandma to clean her gutters, my gloves ripped to such a point that they became useless. There was more raccoon shit than leaves in the gutters and I had to clean it all with my bare hands. I'm talking 5 buckets worth of it. To top it off, the high today was a balmy 35° Fahrenheit. FML