Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML
Today, while in the hot tub with my friends, my gum fell out of my mouth and I had no idea where it went. Later that night I realized it had fallen down my swimsuit and had become adhered to my pubic hairs which then stuck to my underwear. FML
Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML
Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up… out my left nostril. FML
Today, at school I pulled my bicep muscle arm wrestling. I lost. He was 14. I'm the 23 year old security guard. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, I shat out a staple. FML
Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML
Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML
Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML
Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML
Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML
Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML
Today, I got asked out for the first time in my life. During a prank call. By a complete stranger. FML
Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML
Today, my cats found my box of condoms. This is the third one they've chewed up. The worst part? They've gotten more use out of them in the last two months than I have. FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn't have sex with me because he doesn't want his mom "watching from heaven." FML
Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML
Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML
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