katierobertson

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I went to Disney World. I fell and hit my head while jumping up and down to see Ariel. I'm a 35 year-old man. FML

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded by asking for a blowjob. FML

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

Classy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML